u were the best, really..but i, stupidly left you..but it was for own good..do u need a girl like me? definitely no. u deserve someone better,someone prettier..but not me. i know i loved you,really n truly. but, one small thing that i never agreed, i asked you to do it, n well, till now u haven't done it. it shows how much u care for HER too. i don't blame you..SHE perhaps loves you, well, sometimes it's a little bit obvious that SHE does, n perhaps you don't. that is what u said. that u still love me. yes, i believe you, don't worry. but why haven't u do what i asked you to? was is so hard? so complicated? if yes..how did u turn up loving me? if yes..then i am hard n complicated too right? i don't know how to hide things but, at the same time i hated hurting u..maybe u were right,we were better off n caring as best friends..all i asked for was..*sigh!* never mind..i'm just too..too..immature,for u..but..i know i loved u, deep down in the pits of my heart..i was sincere n true (although i don't what makes this two words different) n never expected lots from u..i only wanted u to love me,take care of me as if i was ur little baby girl,n never never to hurt me..cause u see..this heart of mine is just too fragile n brittle,that even a little crack can totally destroy it into pieces..i'm just so sorry if i have ever hurt u,i never do it on any intention..forgive me bie..u were one gem in my life..but,im just a piece of messed up shit..
"forgive me please? what i have done is so mean n hurting that i'm not to be forgiven, i know..but.."
love,
zachareal adhelle
Saturday, October 2, 2010
u loved me? i doubt that..
30th september 2010- A date I would never forget. The day I really knew your real colour. The real you. You never loved me for who I am. You never did love me actualy. You used me infact. Yes. You USED me. Me. But, I just wonder why it was me. I'm just tired of everything. Tired of you suspecting me all the time. Tired of you telling that I don't care or bother about you anymore. Tired of you controling me. Tired of you telling me to keep a distance from my best friends just because you are afraid anyone of them might gain my attention. How could you think like that when we are actually treating one another like family? We are not those group of people that would somehow betray a good friendship that we have with each other. But you know what, I think I rather get together with anyone of them rather than to be with you. Cause they seem to know and understand me better than you do. And you say that you love me, you need me and that you can't imagine a life without me. How weird! You don't even trust me fully, but you say those things to me.
I die every second thinking about this. Thinking about you. Thinking about us. Everytime you throw all those words at me, do you realise how hurt I get? How heartbreaking it is? Most importantly, how heart stabbing each word you use is? Did you realise all this? All the time, you tell me that you liked to be cared and showered with love. But didn't you realise that I want to be treated the same way too? As a matter of fact, I'm a girl. Obviously I will be expecting a lot from you; to be loved, cared, pampered and fussied around. You were supposed to make me feel like a baby, being made sure I don't get hurt, and you were supposed to treat me like a little girl. I was supposed to be your little girl. Calling me 'baby' is not enough, you should treat me like one. Calling me 'sayang' is not enough, you should really love me fully. But, in our relationship, I must take care of you, fuss you around, be head over heels over you and my world should always be about you. Sincerely, I thought it was supposed to be the other way around.
Once, the guys and I were having tea at a mamak shop when a very dear guy friend of mine once brought out the topic of love. It was a very good debate, we had so much fun indeed. Then, in the end, forgetting I was there too, he told “Macha, girls are always similar in some way or another. Not all girls that seem to be sweet are nice, and the vice versa too. But, the sincere ones, will always fall for the wrong guy, love him sincerely and deeply, and in the end, when that guy plays them off, they will be so damn heart broken that they will normally lose their faith in love. That's why I still respect some of them.” I just stared at him, and I realised that his eyes were watery. Knowing a lot of his past, I just patted his back. He turned around and soon enough was apologizing. Well, what he said was true, and now it's proven. Maybe I did fall for the wrong guy. Maybe it was wrong for me to think that you would be like my Dev too. Dev. He was one a million. My Dev. He was and will always be my Dev. If only. If only he would have survived. If only that night never existed. If only..he would have been still alive, he and I would have been so perfect together. Certain nights after talking to you, after silently listening to whatever hurting stuffs you would tell me, I would just stare out of the window, my eyes gazing into the empty sky. Then I realised. Realised how much I missed Dev.
..................................................................................................
"everytime i miss u, i stare into the sky, looking for the brightest star.."
love,
zachareal adhelle
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